These people are so irritating. Like the staff of Disneyworld they’re all smiles when you get to the counter, overly joyous and nice. SO SMUG AND PLEASED WITH THEMSELVES. Why? It’s not like they’re serving me a cure for cancer or a winning lottery ticket. I’m buying a coffee, stop smiling at me! I hate fake American nice.
And their biggest crime of all is not listening. When I go into a Starbucks I know exactly what I want. I want a skinny flat white to take away. I’m even prepared to use their weird sizing system if I have to and use words like ‘Grande’ and ‘Venti’. And yet despite having my sentence all lined up and ready to go, before I can place my order they ALWAYS interrupt.
STARBUCKS SMILEY STAFF: Hello sir, what would you like today?
ME: Can I have a skinny Flat White to take aw-
STARBUCKS SMILEY STAFF: And will that be to take away?
ME: YES. WHICH YOU WOULD KNOW IF YOU WOULD JUST LET ME FINISH MAKING MY FUCKING ORDER.
And then they offer you something to eat. Would you like something to eat? Can I get you something to eat? You look hungry – maybe you’d like something to eat? Why don’t you have something to eat? Muffin, yoghurt, sandwich? Have something to eat. Don’t you think that if I wanted something to eat I would have asked for it when I was ordering my coffee?!? You’ve got a cabinet full of pastries next to me, it’s not like I haven’t noticed you sell food. I didn’t forget to order. Maybe, just maybe, I don’t want to eat the
only fruit based muffins on the planet which can block your arteries in double quick-time and induce a massive heart attack before I’ve even left the shop? STOP OFFERING ME THINGS I DON’T WANT!
And although it’s not the staff’s fault, what is that Stabucks logo meant to represent? Some half woman, half lobster Queen? How does this represent their product? What does it mean? Is this the best way to market a Starbucks drink? What the fuck does a regal mermaid have to do with a coffee bean? Did they get a child with learning difficulties and a Daryl Hannah obsession to create it as a dare? It’s shit.
And finally, the coffee itself. When I order a coffee I don’t expect it to be so strong it’s undrinkable. I know when you buy fruit there’s an element of risk, that buying apples or pears is a gamble. But coffee is not hard to make. You should be guaranteed a certain level of quality. Even I can make it, and I’m crap in the kitchen. And yet I reckon one in five Starbucks I order is disgusting. And when I’m paying nearly three quid for a drink and I end up binning half of it while running for a toilet to avoid dropping a lung in my trousers, it’s not good enough. Shame on your Starbucks. Shame on you.