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7: PEOPLE ON TRAINS CONDUCTING BUSINESS MEETINGS ON THEIR MOBILE PHONE

It’s early. I don’t want to be awake. I don’t want to be on a train. I don’t want to go to work. But that’s where I am, and that’s where I’m heading. Before the start of the working day I just want a little peace and quiet. Some silence if you will. What I really don’t want is some suited and booted idiot screaming into a mobile phone to some equally irritating city twat, discussing everything from share options to that day’s scheduled meetings.

The other day some fat bastard with Vaseline in his hair said this while sitting opposite me on a train:

“I’ve got one-to-ones with my entire staff today, and I’d like to take the temperature before organising a group catch up. My team are all quite geographically diverse anyway, so rather than meet in person how about a web seminar – yah? YAH!”.

Shortly after this I threw myself on the train track, delaying the possibility of said web seminar for several hours.

How Can This Be Made Any Clearer?!?

And it seems that the sticker on the train window with a phone in a Ghostbusters-style red circle is not a clear enough message for these people. Can they not work out what this sticker is trying to convey? Because it doesn’t matter if they’re in a silent carriage, these wankers will continue talking loudly into their handsets until they arrive at their given destination. I think the train staff need to be a little stricter with this policy. If a businessman is caught talking on their phone in a silent carriage, they should be punished – and the punishment should fit the crime. How about making them balance in between two carriages while the train’s moving, and all the other passengers are allowed to take it in turns to shout abuse down a megaphone directly into their eardrums?

I personally hate talking on mobile phones on public transport. It’s embaarrassing. I feel awkaward. I don’t want people listening into my business, and my business is generally about as insignificant as discussing Arsenal’s latest implosion – it’s not a case of making multi-million pound deals. If I was some highly-paid exec of a multi-national company I would not appreciate some sweaty little underling in a Ben Sherman suit conducting his business on a First Great Western. Get into the office you prick, and stay out of our lives.

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