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45: LOTTERY WINNERS

I hate lottery winners. Mainly this hatred is as a result of jealously, but also because an incredible amount of lottery winners deem it necessary to tell the world about their good fortune.

Camelot give you a choice. You can remain anonymous. Enjoy your winnings in private. CHOOSE which charities and poor and needy people you wish to help rather than being bombarded with requests from half the world’s populace. But most lottery winners are only too happy to have their names made public, and such is their limited brain power, they don’t quite understand what the repercussions of this will be.

And the repercussions are huge. Because now that the press know you love the limelight, they now have carte blanche to report on your every purchase – and the more frivolous it is the better. Remember Michael Carroll? The former bin man who won £9.7 million on the lottery in 2002? He spunked his multi-million pound fortune on drugs, gambling and prostitutes before ending up back on jobseekers allowance. He’s recently declared himself bankrupt. And the press lapped it up. They enjoyed his implosion, and so they should. If someone is lucky enough to win a life changing amount of money and then they decide to fritter it away on clunge and Columbian marching power than why shouldn’t they highlight this utter bell end’s idiocy? Did Carroll give any money to charity? Help a family friend in need? Sort out the rest of his chav-tastic family? Of course not. He shat it up the wall by buying loads of cars for a demolition derby in his own back garden.

And why are so many lottery winners either obese, moronic or both? The latest multi-millionaires to hit the headlines are chubsters Colin and Chris , who are now 418th on the Sunday Times Rich List as a result of their extraordinary £161 million Euromillions win. Their personal wealth is now almost on a par with the Beckham’s, but no amount of sterling will stop poor Chris looking like a drag queen in a poorly conceived sitcom from the makers of Hi-Di-Hi, nor convince the world that Colin is a Barcelona fan after he bought a box in the Nou Camp. How about ploughing some of that cash into your local club Falkirk, Jimmy?

I’m not saying don’t enjoy the money. I’m just saying that lottery winners are the luckiest people in the world. They often win so much money that it’s not just life-changing, but lives-changing. So by all means spend the money on all the sort of shit you’ve always dreamt of, but do the right thing too. Spend it on some people who really need it. Prove that human decency still exists. Save a life. Help some scientists. Just do SOMETHING. And keep it between us, yeah? No-one else needs to know.

CHRIST I SOUND WORTHY.

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About Twenty8Later

A brand new podcast mocking news, sport & entertainment in handy 28-day chunks. Good times in a terrible, terrible world.

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