Pigeons are the scourge of the skies, but in many ways I have no problem with that. The sky is their domain, after all. It’s their home. We live on the ground, they live in the sky – as long as they choose not to use me as target practice while they’re dropping their load, let them live in peace with the other birds, flapping their wings and coo-ing to each other in blissful rhyme. But when they move onto our turf, onto our streets, I’m afraid we have to draw the line and defend ourselves.
Because pigeons are now living among us. And they’re not just living among us per se, but they’re doing it with an attitude that suggests they think that they own the streets. You see pigeons walking down the street now. WALKING DOWN THE STREET! LIKE HUMANS! They waddle down the pavement as if they’re going to the shops, stopping to peck at some discarded crisp packet, talking to their pigeon friends and showing a blatant disregard to the natural order of life on planet Earth. Where twenty years ago they would have flown off at the mere suggestion of a human in the vicinity, now they expect US to get out of THEIR way. Can you imagine if we had wings? We’d be flying all the time! But no, the pigeon can’t be arsed. They’d rather walk, like penguins.
And should they ever bother to take off and attempt to fly, they’re generally so fat and lethargic that they can barely get above the height of my head, and I’m less than six foot, I’m not a giant. The pigeon will fly at head height and if you dare to be in their line of fire, you’re going down brother.
Pigeons are kamikaze birds, suicide pigeons more than happy to sacrifice themselves if they get one over on the humans – take out an eye or pierce the skin. You see the results of the kamikaze pigeon all over the country of course. Some have lost a leg in battle; others have feathers so matted you think that they’ve been fighting one of their own… but oh no, they’ve just gone ten rounds with some poor sap who didn’t know what was coming his way. The pigeon might look ropey, but you should have seen the other guy…
Pigeons have even set up home in the capital. Trafalgar Square is a tourist destination. Thousands of people visit it every day. French people, American people, Spanish people. And yet at no point in Trafalgar Square’s history have the humans outnumbered the pigeons. If there was some sort of full-on human/pigeon war, a fight to the finish – pigeon Armageddon – then the humans would be wiped out quicker than you can say ‘their shit is toxic’.
I hate pigeons. I don’t trust pigeons. I genuinely think that somewhere within the pigeon society is a winged equivalent of Hitler, spouting his bile to the birded masses and preparing his troops for battle. The war has only just begun, this is just the start. Soon the pigeons will rule. You’ve been warned.