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77: IKEA

Everyone hates Ikea. Anyone who says they don’t is lying.

The concept of Ikea is actually alright. All the things you could possibly want, all under one roof. Shelves, cupboards, beds, cuddly toys – you name it, they have it. And it’s so cheap!! You can probably deck out a four-bedroom house for about twelve quid. But is it really worth saving all that money when you have to go through the inevitable hell that accompanies a shopping trip to Ikea?

Visiting Ikea is horrendous. If you’ve never been to an Ikea before, then you’re actually lulled into thinking it’s a great place to be. There’s a canteen, you’re told. They do spectacular meatballs, you’re told. In reality though, the canteen is next to the checkout and the meatballs taste like raw testicles covered in blood. I once had a coffee in Ikea and I swear to this day its ingredients were a mixture of mud and excrement.

Then there is the little rat-trap, maze-like approach to the shop layout. You may just want some shelves for your bedroom, but to get to those shelves you must first experience all the different ‘worlds’ of Ikea. There’s Kitchen World, Living Room World, Bathroom World, Toy World, TV Unit World and Utensil World to name but a few, and to get to your section, you must work your way through all these locations. You have no choice. There are arrows on the floor! YOU MUST FOLLOW THE ARROWS! I’ve been to Disney World. This is not fucking Disney World.

And even when you’ve found your dream cupboard or shelving unit, you can’t just take one off the shelf – oh no. You have to go down to the Ikea Warehouse and pick one up from there. It’s cumbersome, heavy and it’s housed in an unusually large box – especially when you consider that on opening it you’re missing half the fucking pieces anyway. And once you’ve got this massive cardboard monstrosity through the check-out and into the car park, you then need to fit it into your Ford Fiesta. Brilliant. Thank you very much.

Because of this you decide to return the item, and instead choose to order it from the Ikea website. A fine idea! Why didn’t you think of this sooner?!? In fact, maybe you can get everything you need online! A colander, a lamp and a set of cutlery as well – all from Ikea, all delivered to your door! Hurrah! Except you can’t, can you? Ikea will deliver large products to your house, but they will not deliver small products. Even if you are ordering a large product ALONGSIDE it. Yep, if you want that colander you’ll have to go back to theIkea shop and enter the maze of doom once more. And you’d be a fucking idiot to do that, wouldn’t you?

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About Twenty8Later

A brand new podcast mocking news, sport & entertainment in handy 28-day chunks. Good times in a terrible, terrible world.

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