120: BEING PUT UNDER PRESSURE AT THE HAND-DRYER

You’ve just arrived at work after a long journey which included the consumption of a large coffeee, a bran muffin and a gallon of mineral water.  You’re in dire need of toilet relief, so you head to the Gents to do your business in double quick time.

Continue reading

71: FAT FITNESS INSTRUCTORS

You finally get the urge to sign up to a gym.  You agree to pay upwards of forty quid a month to experience sweat and pain.  In return the gym agree to give you an induction and three free training sessions with a personal trainer.  You imagine them to be toned, tanned and in perfect shape. 

Continue reading

65: WIGS

I know losing your hair must be tough.  Mine is one the way out at the front.  It must be tough to accept that you have more hair on your arse than on your head.  But please, don’t go down the wig route.  It’s embarrassing.

PS, I love SIR TERRY WOGAN.  He’s allowed a wig.

41: CUCUMBERS

Salads are punishment enough. No-one enjoys a salad. We eat them because we feel guilty about our diet, or because our waist-lines are expanding all too rapidly, not because they’re tasty or we’re really in the mood for some leaf. So please, don’t make this meal even worse by sticking cucumbers in it – it’s the equivalent of shitting in your soup.

39: VEGETARIANS WHO DON’T EAT MEAT BECAUSE IT’S CRUEL… BUT WHO DO EAT FISH

I have no problems with vegetarians.  I applaud their discipline, their moral worth and their courage to not eat meat.  Because meat is delicious, and they are really missing out.  But they’ve made their decision, they’ve shown their strength of character, and they are sticking by their moral code.  Well done you.  Unless of course, you eat seafood.

Continue reading

23: PEOPLE WHO COUGH ON PUBLIC TRANSPORT BUT DO NOT USE THEIR HANDS

I think I’m a hypochondriac.  Most of the time I think I am dying.  If I lose weight, I think I’m dying.  If I put on weight I’m going to have a heart attack.  If I get a spot, it’s a tumour.  I’m not far away from being one of those people who wear the equivalent of a gas mask on their daily commute for fear of catching some killer bug.  And the thing that could finally push me into this course of action is those people on public transport who cough WITHOUT USING THEIR HANDS. 

Continue reading