These people deserve to be murdered.
Oh yeah, this is a personal hell. Girls sitting on their boyfriends laps on public transport.
I was standing on the train platform the other day with some flowers for my girlfriend. Yes. I am that kind of man. But as I stood there another man – a smart arse wise guy – looked at me and said ‘Oh you shouldn’t have’, before walking on. He was making a joke, see? That the flowers were for him. Geddit?
FYI, wise guy. This is not funny. This is an invite for me to stab you to death with some roses. I’m watching you.
I have my friends quota. I don’t need any more friends. I don’t have time to see the friends I have as much as I would like so I am certainly not in the business of talking to strangers on a fucking train.
It is too bright for you down there? The lighting on the train straining your pupils? Worried that when we exit a tunnel you’re going to be hit by a sun so bright it could be the nuclear apocalypse?
These people are dictators. They can change your entire day just by putting their foot on the accelerator. And they do it all the time.
I have lost count of the number of times I have been on public transport and sat next to someone whose breathing is so heavy it actually disturbs my reading. Sometimes it even manages to drown out my iPod, which is quite an accomplishment.
I think I’m a hypochondriac. Most of the time I think I am dying. If I lose weight, I think I’m dying. If I put on weight I’m going to have a heart attack. If I get a spot, it’s a tumour. I’m not far away from being one of those people who wear the equivalent of a gas mask on their daily commute for fear of catching some killer bug. And the thing that could finally push me into this course of action is those people on public transport who cough WITHOUT USING THEIR HANDS.
It’s early. I don’t want to be awake. I don’t want to be on a train. I don’t want to go to work. But that’s where I am, and that’s where I’m heading. Before the start of the working day I just want a little peace and quiet. Some silence if you will. What I really don’t want is some suited and booted idiot screaming into a mobile phone to some equally irritating city twat, discussing everything from share options to that day’s scheduled meetings.