71: FAT FITNESS INSTRUCTORS

You finally get the urge to sign up to a gym.  You agree to pay upwards of forty quid a month to experience sweat and pain.  In return the gym agree to give you an induction and three free training sessions with a personal trainer.  You imagine them to be toned, tanned and in perfect shape. 

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34: FAT PEOPLE ON DIETS WHO GO ON ABOUT HOW MUCH WEIGHT THEY’VE LOST DESPITE STILL LOOKING FUCKING FAT

These people are the worst.  Fat people who seem to constantly be on a diet despite the fact that everytime you see them, they are EATING. 

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17: EXERCISE

Smug Bastard.

I hate exercise, but I also hate the way people say how great they feel after a work out. Oh I had a great work out! I feel good! I feel so refreshed after that work out! What a solid work out! HANG ON. Maybe I’m missing something here, but when I exercise, I feel dreadful. Hot, sweaty, tired, puce. My legs are wobbly. I have a face like an erupting volcano. My stomach is fending off a killer stitch. I’m wiping my brow every ten seconds to prevent yet more salty perspiration from dribbling into my eyeballs. I don’t feel great. I feel fucking awful. And I need a lie down. So stop lying, health freaks.